Fault
by Dorysblue
Summary: J.D's tells us how much everyone had made such a difference...especially one man. Who paid the ultimate price. another chapter going on full story if viewers wish so... please read
1. My fault

Fault  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything or claim to own anything of scrubs.  
  
(J.D. is speaking this all)  
  
I never really thought about how much the people in your life make such a big difference. Big or small, the difference is always there. And you can either protect it, or just let it go.  
  
...I really wish I had chosen the first.  
  
It had just started out just like any other day......Dr. Cox harassing me and calling me Sheryl and other random girl names. Elliot staring into the abyss of her life, and asking (more like telling) me to respect her sex life. Turk break dancing for a new surgery position that he's been waiting for....for what seems like forever. And Todd, being the perverted sex addicted freak that Todd is. Gotta love em.  
  
But why was this day so different.....? Why did this day have to go from usual hospital, to stressing, to .... ....to this?  
  
Like why is my mentor lying in a hospital bed with gun wounds in his chest...? Why would anyone shoot him? Why would any man come in here, blaming us for his wife's untimely death, and take it out on the people who tried to save him?  
  
First he came in, tears apparent on his pale face. He approached a nurse and asked her something...I didn't hear. He started to walk away from her, and looked angrier than ever. That's when he spotted me.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` I had tried to help his wife through her final hours, but she didn't last. Dr. Cox was the one to tell him. But, he recognized me from my small appearance behind Cox. He knew it was also my fault. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
Dr. Cox had seen him come in. I saw Dr. Cox staring at him as if he was looking at someone who just had something wrong about him. I turned from Dr. Cox and faced the man in approaching me.  
  
He stormed up to me, and about 6 feet away, he pulled out his pistol.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dr. Cox had tried so hard and fought to bring her back to life. But, no matter how many times he cried clear, the monitor always sang flat lined. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Now sobbing, the man screamed his stabbed heart at me. I stood there. Shocked....yeah, probably. Afraid.....yes. Here was this man pointing the mouth of his gun at me. It was ready to relish its wrath on me, and who knows what other unfortunate soul that came between that gun and me.  
  
Dr. Cox didn't even seem phased by that. He ran from behind me, and shoved me out of the way. And then I heard it.  
  
One.  
  
Two.  
  
Three.  
  
Three shots. Three shots rang out, like in a hollow black cave.  
  
Dr. Cox collapsed to the floor. I saw him take three or four exasperated breathes.... he looked at me. I will never forget that look. He stared at me as if to say, "It's not your fault, newbie."  
  
Someone tackled the man and actually held him down, while some of the secretaries called the police. Nurses rushed over Dr. Cox, like water hits a rock.  
  
Suddenly all that he had taught me was forgotten.  
  
I didn't move. Shock.... yes.  
  
Afraid......Definitely.  
  
That man left a huge scar in me. A once lonely tired man, hoping for his wife to overcome the illness, now leads in a murd..... no.  
  
No no no.... no please. Not him. He can't die. He won't. I can't let him. I WON'T let him!  
  
Of all the people to leave a remarkable imprint in my life, Dr. Cox was the one to have to suffer the most. Eliot, nor Turk, Todd, even Carla, had prepared me for the sudden weight of a person whom I loved on my chest. I loved them all...  
  
So why didn't I react? Like he had!?  
  
Now, I go with Turk to church. And I sit there, through the service. After, I pray. I pray with Turk, Carla, and Eliot sometimes comes too.  
  
These are the people that have made such a difference in my life. And I hope I have in theirs. I know I have in Dr. Cox's.  
  
But I always just hope. And understand, it is my fault that Dr. Cox cared about me so much. But, I'm kind of glad. Glad that anyone could be that changed to make the biggest differences. 


	2. Out of body

Dr. Cox's day couldn't have been anymore crappy, then when three bullets shot through him.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Pain.....That's what first hit me.. Three pinky sized bullets sliced right through my flesh as though I weren't even there. Yet they left the three largest scars in my life.  
  
I felt nothing after those three shots. After the initial attack and force of the brutal bullets, I collapsed, laboring for my each breath. I couldn't believe what was happening. It was happening way too fast.  
  
That man had stormed in, rushed to a nurse and asked her for a Dr....I didn't hear the rest. But apparently he was looking for my pupil. John Dorian.  
  
As the man, blinded by rage and sorrow, unsheathed his pistol, he exploded in a fit of curses at J.D. Blaming HIM for his wife's unfortunate untimely death.  
  
I only did what I felt I needed to do. I'm not ashamed. I'm don't regret my choice. Besides, it was more of instinct than thinking logically at first.  
  
I stared at J.D. from my low point on the floor; everything was beginning to become very cold. Maybe it was the tile, or the fact that I had been shot three times in the chest, and one of the bullets had hit an artery, that was probably why I felt a bit warmer in my chest area.......... J.D. looked at me as though he understood my decision.  
  
It was my fault. She died because of me. I failed .....I failed again.  
  
I FAILED AGAIN!!!!!  
  
That's all I felt. A mass of doctors, nurses, newbies, and even a janitor in the background, smothered me with noise.  
  
I didn't even feel them lug me onto the freakin patients bed. But I guess that doesn't matter now.....That was about.....2 days ago?  
  
It's really weird, those out of body experiences you usually hear about, but never truly believed since you've never been there yourself.  
  
Well, I'll tell you what it's like.  
  
It Sucks.  
  
It's a lot harder to leave the ones you love more than it is to lose one......  
  
Cox just realized that as his spirit floated aimlessly over his own broken body. A crowd of nurses is just beginning to flood the room. His heart shows flat line. They get a doctor in the room. Not sure who he is.  
  
I don't know where J.D. is. Heh, maybe he's somewhere in his fairyland wondering where I'll end up. Heck, maybe, just maybe, he's got some insane idea that praying will help me. Well too late newbie, I'm gone. Going towards the light now, seeeeeeya all later! And see you Kelso in hell!  
  
.....I actually hope not.  
  
Why do I feel this way? I feel so....strange. I feel as if I'm totally emotionally drained. It's almost a relief...a good feeling.  
  
I can't believe this, here I am hovering over my body *which isn't in the best of conditions* and I don't find this the least bit scary??  
  
What's' wrong with me!?  
  
Oh yeah, I'm dead.  
  
Or dying. Oh wait.... they're actually bringing me up to a beat. I'm saved. Yippee. Whoo hoo. You all suck. I was actually beginning to see the light there for a moment or two!  
  
Oh here comes Barbie. Coming with her plastic heart beat toy to see if her mean old mentor is still alive. Yes, I am still here. But you can't see me and probably can't hear me yelling at you to CHECK THE MONITOR. I'm ALIVE.  
  
Where's newbie?? I see how reliable he's become. Oh, lookey here someone else is coming to visit my comatose body. Who is the luck......Jordon?  
  
Jordon? She came. She's actually crying. Oh my gosh...I said oh my gosh. Why didn't I say .....oh never mind. I don't care anymore! She's crying because I'm ....I'm not even there!!  
  
Wait...she's saying something. What is she saying?? Something about ....a kid? A....a son? MY son!? WHAT? I'M GOING TO HAVE BABY BOY!? Oh my gosh! I can't leave! I'm too young!! Well, actually no I'm not but technically for my age and general health I shouldn't even be here listening to my wi....ex wife sob about me being dumb and incredibly stupid to throw myself in front of bullets!  
  
Hey at least it was for a decent reason. Newbie's younger than I am.  
  
Oh no, she's starting to bawl again.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~  
  
Hello, It's dory here again, I hope you liked this chapter, you seemed to be alright with the first one. If this stories a bit too much of anything, then please send recommendations to how I can better it! ^_^  
  
Or even a more powerful meaning which you will find out when I'm finished If you want me to finish Bye! *thank you to all who reviewed! Glee!* 


	3. My Newbie

Newbie  
  
Jordan was soon led away by a nurse. At first she frantically refused, but stealing one more glance at Perry, she let herself be led out of the room.  
  
Perry hadn't realized that a sudden stiffness had built up his feelings towards her. He felt no longer sympathetic towards her, but bitter and tense.  
  
"....Liar." He muttered, "Cheater, liar, heartbreaker....you...YOU LIED! How could you.....no, how DARE you!! How dare you come to MY comatose body and cry all over MY accident, all over MY fault, all over ME!! You probably didn't give a second's thought for all I was worth when I was living and insulting. But now, oh now, that you see you have no one to run to and have a quick "bang bang bang" to; you're soooo depressed and sooo alone now!! AREN'T YOU!? Or is just the hormones caused by being pregnant!!? BABY!? THAT, you NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT, Nope, not until poor Perry's lying all alone sleeping and bleeding. So go ahead and cry, I'M NOT EVEN CONCIESE TO HEAR IT!!!"  
  
Dr. Cox was suddenly taken back by the last remark. His explosive anger had bursted into a sudden loud noise. A REAL noise, like a balloon popping.  
  
The room sparked light, then dimmed completely. The light above had burnt out. Or had a short.  
  
Perry snarled angrily, "Not even the freaking lamp works in my coffin!"  
  
He paused. He hadn't meant to say that. Did he? He moaned exhausted, "where ARE you Bethany!?" *J.D.*  
  
But Cox needed not to wait a moment longer, because a whistling J.D. strolled on in through the glass doors to the hospital. The newbie stopped in front of a very cute nurse. She was carrying coffees; J.D. asked her if the coffee had any nuts in it. The nurse replied with a confused "no". He then tried to ask smoothly if she'd like to borrow his. The nurse angrily threw some hot coffee in J.D.'s face and left him wriggling in pain.  
  
"AAAH MY EYES!! THEY BUURRN!! THEY BUUURRRNN!!!!" screaming like a naked girl, J.D. scrambled around until Carla came to the rescue.  
  
"Shut up Bambi! You'll wake Dr. Reynolds!"  
  
J.D. pried one of his soaked eyes open, "I'm sorry, but they BUURRRRNNNN!!" He whined.  
  
"Oh please honey, not THAT again," Laverne said.  
  
Bambi turned to her confused, not questioning.  
  
Carla shrugged, "it happens with women. It's like playing with matches,"  
  
*Or a flamethrower,* J.D. thought carefully. Women had an uncanny ability to see what was on his mind.  
  
"it's your face, I can see right through it." Carla smirked.  
  
*AAAAA!!* J.D. internally screamed.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
After newvbie had cleansed his eyes of the stinging fluid, he figured he'd never be able to close his eyes again after such a hard core doce of caffeine. J.D. went to room 314. Dr. Cox's room number.  
  
As he walked inside, he felt a bit colder than before.  
  
*mmm, just a chill* he thought. But something told him it wasn't just a "chill".  
  
*my butt is usually on fire it's so hot!! *hehehe* but now, It's like I have a block of ice glued it!*  
  
Newbie slowly made his way towards Dr. Cox's body. For some odd reason, Perry actually felt good seeing his pupil here. All the anger, had now vanished. He had wanted to know where he was, but it was a mere hope that he'd actually come and visit him.  
  
J.D. double checked his mentor's vitals, and the monitor again. He sat down and sighed. His hands a new pillow for his face.  
  
It hurt so much to see Dr. Cox like this. Especially Dr. Cox, his mentor, his teacher, his friend, his father figure. He looked os weak.....so ..helpless.  
  
Dr. Cox never looked this way. Well, I guess if you got shot three times you wouldn't exactly be jumping up and down with joy.  
  
"I'm so sorry," he murmered into his hands. "....I'm sorry,"  
  
Even though J.D. had no clue that Dr. Cox could even hear him, Perry felt very moved by his words.  
  
"Me too newbie....me too." And suddenly, that bitterness had returned, even stronger than before.  
  
"You should be. You let this happen anyways you useless son of ...."  
  
Perry stopped himself. Why was he so angry? Did he actually BLAME J.D. for his dea......no, no, no, no. He wasn't dead yet. Not quite. But it wasn't his fault. It was nobodies fault..  
  
Yet that anger only buried itself deeper in Perry's mind.  
  
(((( ))))) (((((( )))))0  
  
Ugh, I had no idea this be so stressful! Hehe, sorry it took me so long to get this chapter updated, my computer blew up *not literally lol* and so I'm using my mom's labtop for warking and typing. And yes, it will take me longer, or just as long to write another one, so please please please PULEEZZ be patient!  
  
Thank to you whom all review!!! :D  
  
I know badly written, but I love you guys! I hope you liked the chapter, leave me a review to see what you think now! :D 


	4. His Fault

J.D.'s thoughts are in these little squiggles! (And Dr. Cox's THOUGHTS are in parenthesis.)  
  
His Fault  
  
J.D. remained in Dr. Cox's room for hours, (except on a break when he mooched some coffee off of Turk).  
  
Carla walked by, watching them both. Dr. Cox lying stiff as a corpse, and J.D. slurping on some coffee, making a quiet "aahh," noise as he finished it off. It really softened Carla's heart for J.D. He was so caring.  
  
But when she looked towards Perry.....her heart dropped. She sighed.  
  
It didn't matter whose fault this was. Yes, the gunman was the number one contestant to win the blame game, but for all anyone knew, did it have to be Cox to suffer? After all, he was the one trying to save the gunman's wife from her terminal illness. This had never happened before, well at least not to this extreme. Yes, the hospital has had some angry and sorrowful people leave, without their loved ones. But none of them acted as this man did. Why had he done it? It didn't matter. All that mattered now was saving Perry's life, to the best of every doctor's ability.  
  
But again, Carla couldn't help but think  
  
What if things had turned out differently? What if it had been her instead of Cox who was shot? Could she have done anything about it? Could she have controlled the fate of one person, with one shove?  
  
...No. It's God's fault.  
  
Carla cringed at the sudden thought. How could she blame God? God didn't control humans like puppets, she knew that all to well. And yet, it stuck in her mind like cancer.  
  
Her pager hummed angrily as it vibrated in her pocket. She grasped it and left abruptly. J.D. had seen her standing there, but had said nothing.  
  
Another hour later, J.D. still was sitting in room number 001 on the comfy blue chair (which had now made a comfy butt imprint). Elliot came by quickly, and entered the room.  
  
"What are you still doing here?"  
  
J.D. looked inside his empty coffee cup. "Nothing."  
  
"Don't you have any work to do?"  
  
"I have the day off,"  
  
"Oh,"  
  
Elliot presumed to check Dr. Cox's vitals. J.D. stared at her unsure of her mood. Being extra cautious he asked, "Why are you checking his vitals? I'm here."  
  
"I know that. But you said you had the day off, sooooo," She turned to face him, her bangs matted to her sweaty face. "I'm here!" She said with a fake enthusiasm.  
  
J.D. new she was under a ton of stress today. He felt bad for her now, truly. She needed some advice, that's why she came. But Dr. Cox is out of it now, and who knows how long he would stay that way.  
  
There are two ways to deal with Eliot in a position like this. One: say something. Two: Don't say anything. Either way she might get hurt, and in this kind of mood it seems more dangerous to stick with choice one.   
  
J.D. stuck with his decision and held his peace.  
  
Eliot turned from J.D. to face Cox again. Her hands tightened into fists as she tried hard not to cry. She needed guidance now, and not only was J.D. not helping by holding his peace, but Dr. Cox was out of commission. She couldn't show J.D. how lost she was, not again. Eliot knew she needed to grow out of it sometime or another. Not every Doctor needs THIS much help!  
  
Eliot bit her lip to keep her sob in her throat. J.D. never said anything as he came up behind her and touched her shoulders. She whirled around, facing him. Scared. He moved closer to her face.  
  
Eliot couldn't bear it any longer. She tore from him and ran out the door. J.D. was left to stare after her, alone.  
  
"Oh come one kiddies! Not one pucker for Dr. Cox? Well, I guess this isn't the greatest atmosphere now is it? But knowing you two you'd probably go do it in the janitor's closet, that is if there's enough room to pop out the imagined orgasm that you always dream about Janice!"  
  
Cox rambled on, knowing his newbie couldn't hear him, although now he really needed him too. This lack of communication was really driving him up the walls. And although insanity is defined as trying something over and over and expecting a different result, Cox figured he had nothing to lose, since he couldn't lose his voice anyway. He didn't define himself as "insane" merely "desperate nearly to the POINT of insanity".  
  
"Well, it's all good and gold now isn't it. I'm not so pissy anymore, oh how wonderful! I should go and celebrate with the other lamed spirits around here! Then maybe we can all just play the blame game, to WHO put them in this situation! Let's see our contestants...Newbie, Gun, Gunguy, God, Satan, Patrick,"  
  
God? God? Had he actually said God?  
  
"..." Cox lay in silence for a moment, pondering the actual thought. "No. That isn't it. That can't be. It's not His fault. It's.... It's my fault. Yeah, oookay, that makes everything easier eh, Perry? Just blame yourself. Well, how bout I just FORGET about this whole thing about blaming!? Why can't I just die in PEACE!?"  
  
(Because it MATTERS. Whoever put you in this should pay!)  
  
"No! No! I won't listen to little annoying voices inside my head! Oh, if only I could whistle!! Oh wait! I know!" Perry remembered what had happened last time when he had angrily bursted out in his "thought talk". He gathered as much energy into one word, directed it towards J.D., and yelled,  
  
"NEEEWWBEEEE!"  
  
Suddenly J.D. was struck with an abrupt thought of Dr. Cox, and another light shorted out. He spun around quickly like a maniac, his head shooting from side to side searching for what may have caused the light to die like so suddenly.  
  
Dr. Cox watched above...extremely pleased with the results of shocking his pupil.  
  
"I have yet to be silenced," Had Perry had been in his body with his mouth, he would have grinned.  
  
(Thank you for all your kind reviews! Please drop me more if you'd like! haha! I hope you all enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing/editing/makingup/slash being helped w/ it! ( dory 


	5. His Final

It was now exactly five days since the incident had occurred Dr. Cox's condition worsened at a fastening pace, and it seemed hope was about to break. Now, instead of being in his usual state of arrogance and half deadness, Perry was feeling extremely fatigued and could barely talk to himself anymore.

"I can barely keep myself company..." He whined. He couldn't keep his focus on anything. Watching the people from outside doing what they had done for the past days seemed to him now, a blur.  
  
J.D. had come once more into the room at exactly 3:15.  
  
"You're late. You usually show up exactly at 3:00, what's with the slacking, eh? Has the newbie just got too many patients that might live??"  
  
The young doctor plopped down into his chair just like he had done in the past four days. Save for the exception of no coffee this time. He appeared to be even more fatigued than usual.  
  
J.D. stood up and stretched, and checked Dr. Cox's vitals.  
  
"That's right...check me.... oh gosh...why do I feel so sick..." Dr. Cox's vision was beginning to blur. He then heard a piercing sound that shook his soul. He tried to focus on his body and his pupil...but all he could hear was that sound.  
  
"Oh, shit, I'm flatli-"  
  
His thoughts were cut off, mercilessly. "J.D., what the hell happened?" Jordan rushed into J.D. and blocked his exit.  
  
"Jordan, Dr. Cox had ... He flat lined. His body continues to loose way to much blood, and I'm afraid there's...nothing more we can do."  
  
Suddenly, J.D felt more disgusted with himself than he ever had. How could he say these words? How could THOSE words be coming out of HIS mouth?  
  
Nothing more we can do...  
  
(No, that's for real doctor!)  
  
J.D. looked own at his scrubs, and his nametag. He couldn't kid himself any longer. He WAS the doctor here, and he had said those words. 

Jordan stared at him like cold ice. She, apparently, felt the same. But she allowed him to continue speaking...  
  
"If we let Dr. Cox live, he will only be able to survive on a respirator. His body was way too damaged, and two of the bullets remain in him. They're too close to his heart to risk surgery...."  
  
"So...what are you telling me here exactly?"  
  
"...That...the choice is in your hands. Dr. Cox will live..." He took deep breath, "Or....."

Perry regained conciseness a long while later. This time, he was in a different room that had more space and chairs. His body was covered with a sheet and there was an air mask on his mouth. The silent hum of machines and the comfort of the actual heartbeat was a new joy for Cox.  
  
"Oh whoopee, look at this...I'm in worse condition than I was before." He would have rolled his eyes HAD he had any physical ones to roll.  
  
But this time, the fatigue had not left, only. And he could feel himself float higher and higher.  
  
In this room, he knew this would be his final...

(Thank you all for who read and who have patience!! Lol, I hope you like this chapter, I'm sorry if they seem out of character, but I'm not always the best at writing it, I can picture it/see it better/play out in my head ;) 


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm handing it over to you. I realize that this situation won't get any better so…,"

She paused. J.D. stared at her, wanting to see a flicker of lie in what she was purposing, but saw none.

"You want me to decide whether he lives or dies." He felt numb.

"Yes." Jordan quietly said. "I'm giving this job to you, now. Fully. She choked and held her fingers to her face and turned quickly to leave. She couldn't stand it any longer. Now it was all up to J.D. he had to put all of his emotions aside and become the doctor his mentor made him to be.

But this...

Why him?

J.D. overlooked his mentor's body. It was still, with the exception of the slight raise and fall of his chest. This was it. The young doctor was finally out of his prime and had to make themost difficultdecision of his entire life.

He then turned towards the respirator; the only thing keeping Dr. Cox's heart beating was this machine. Sad. What was he going to do? He loved Dr. Cox more than just a teacher…. he was like his father to him. Tough, but with love. What would he have done in a situation like this?

Cox looked on from above, feeling a bit high from all the excitement earlier. It was not a good feeling.

"J.D. You know what you have to do. It will be for the better, I promise newbie, it really will be. Just trust me, like you always have, don't wimp out on me just because I'm not there to cheer you on! Come on! Pull the plug! It's all right…It's okay, don't worry…don't' worry. I can't stay away from here for long. I love you…. wow, I never thought ever say that, especially to you.

I mean come on; I can already here Amazing Grace playing over and over and over in my head!

Finally, when J.D.'s mind was finally clear of everything, he bent over and switched off the respirator. In one swift motion he had just determined a man's life. Life was all too fragile...he thought he might have already known that by how many sisters, brothers, mothers, cousins and friends came and never left Sacred Heart.

He never even felt the tears leave his eyes.

I'm sorry it took SO long for me to post this chapter, I had it all finished but I just never got around to it, I hope you still read this thought :) thank youDory


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